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Questions to Ask Before You Get Married |
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The First Year: Establishing the Ground Rules |
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Expectations of Marriage |
Even if you've been living together, the first year of marriage is an adjustment. Now there is a sense of forever. Certain assumptions and expectations come into play (such as your understanding of the role of a husband or wife). Day to day details need to be decided and ironed out.
There seem to be common themes and problems that couples encounter in their first year. The First Year of Marriage, a book by Miriam Arond and Dr. Samuel Pauker, dives into these secrets and myths. We've outlined some of the main problems below.
Problems with money
Unfortunately this continues to be an area of contention for many couples past the first year. New couples need to set up a budget, saving goals, spending limitations and a system for managing finances. How will money be separated, if at all? Is one of you a spender and the other a saver? Work things out now and avoid years of headaches.
Emotional problems with family
Families seem to get more complex as time goes one. There are step-moms, step-dads, half-brothers and sister…. well you get the idea. Arond and Pauker found that the biggest emotional challenge for the first year was managing family relationships. This includes the in-laws, family rivalries and children from previous marriages.
Problems with friends
Where do your friends fit in the first year? Spending too much time with them or maybe they're being neglected in the dizziness of marriage? Strike a balance.
Expectations with sex
Arond and Pauker found that newlywed's expectations were often too high in terms of the frequency and excitement expected of sex in the first year. Couples were most satisfied if one or both took charge of making sex and alone time a priority.
Too involved with work
Work demands or a heavy emphasis on career advancement takes valuable time and can deprive a couple of needed intimate moments. Focusing on a career is normally a choice, however, make sure you are aware of its consequences.
Problems with housework delegation
Who is responsible for laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.? Does one person consistently do more of the work? Do you have expectations for what type of work a man or woman does based on your parents? It would be nice if we could all get a maid and gardener, but until then, iron out how your household will handle chores.
Undoubtedly, your first year will be memorable and positive. Know that these issues are out there, that you may have to tackle some of them and that you are not alone in the problems you encounter. Marriage takes work, but hopefully you can keep adding champagne and roses.
Recommended Reading Material
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The His and Hers Guide to Surviving the First Year of Marriage by David Hubbert and Wendy Hubbert |
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Ask Barbara: The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships by Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D |
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Chore Wars - How Households Can Share the Work & Keep the Peace by James Thornton |
Sources include:
The First Year of Marriage by Miriam Arond and Dr. Samuel Pauker
www.theknot.com