July 29, 2010


































































Questions to Ask Before You Get Married


The First Year: Establishing the Ground Rules


Expectations of Marriage



Expectations. We have them in all areas of our lives. Our jobs, our future. But what are your expectations of marriage? Many women expect marriage will bring them the happiness they've longed for and solve all the problems in the relationship. They expect a storybook wedding and honeymoon will be the beginning of a whole new, perfect life. When weeks after the honeymoon prove otherwise, they are surprised, disappointed and disillusioned.

How did we come to expect marriage would be perfect?

Cinderella Syndrome
Television has painted an unrealistic picture of marriage from the very beginning. Romance novels rarely portray the real work involved in making relationships work. Yet still we measure ourselves and others by standards set in fantasy worlds.

But perhaps it was Cinderella who deceived us all. She convinced us that there are knights in shining armor. That men swoop in and have the ability to rescue us. Bring us glass slippers. Take us to magical places. Eventually make us their princesses. And in the end, according to the fairytale, make us live happily ever after.

Appropriate Expectations
It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? The story has had timeless appeal because it feeds our often unconscious desire to be taken care of. There's just one element wrong with the Cinderella story -- it isn't real. And believing it, may set you up for problems.

Certainly, there are some expectations that are and should be a part of any relationship. A healthy marriage is one where there is mutual:

Respect.




Honesty.




Ability to compromise and be flexible.




Support for each other's goals.

A relationship that involves physical, emotional or mental abuse will not improve with marriage.

A Few Myths
In researching the topic of expectations, I found that experts agree on a few common myths that can strain a relationship:

Believing that you and your spouse always need to agree. You and your partner are different - genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically. You're not always going to see things the same, and that's okay. It's far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it.




Believing that the ecstatic emotion that you felt when you first met is real love - and then judging your relationship by that early sizzle, unfairly labeling a genuine quality marriage as substandard. This is real life. A great romance can be as simple as sharing the newspaper in the morning, and making love a couple of times a week. Great relationship and great romance? It's all in the yardstick that you use to measure.




Believing that a peaceful relationship is a good one. Many people worry that arguing is a sign of trouble. But it's neither good nor bad - what counts is the way you express your disagreement and how you deal with the argument once it has run its course. If you pursue a take-no-prisoners approach, obviously arguments are going to be destructive. Instead of avoiding fights, just avoid making them too personal.




Believing that there is a right and wrong way to make your relationship great. What's important is that you find ways of being together that work for you. Finding a standard in a book or article, or conforming to what your parents think you ought to do, should not be the measure you use to define your relationship.

Bottom Line
Take time prior to your wedding day to talk. One of the biggest causes of conflict in a marriage is that the husband and wife go into it with totally different expectations, but don't know that they're different because they never discuss them. You find out he expects you to cook dinner every night when you get home from work while he reads the paper, and you expect him to help with the housework. You're both shocked when this doesn't happen. Before you say "I do," make sure you discuss the following items with your intended:

Money




Sex




Household responsibilities




Children. Do you want them? And how many?




Careers

Know and share up front what your needs are: whether they be physical, spiritual, social, etc. Discuss your expectations and see if they conflict. Remember that marriage, like most great creations, are works in progress. The formula for success, according to expert Phillip C. McGraw, PhD, is a relationship based on a solid underlying friendship that meets the needs of the two people involved. Communication is key.

A Few Perspectives.
Here's what a few women had to say about marriage:


 Carrie, age: 44, married 17 years.

I had issues with abuse from my childhood, and seeing my father marry and divorce several times scared me from marrying at an early age. When I did marry at 29, I expected those unresolved issues would disappear and I wouldn't have to deal with them. That wasn't the case. I learned quickly that the past doesn't disappear the minute you say I do. It took a lot of work to heal. Now, I credit our success to the commitment my husband and I have for each other, and our strong faith in God. When we don't know how to resolve problems in our marriage, we pray for guidance.

Cindy, age 34, married: 13 years

I had a vision that included a wonderful husband, my own home, and children. I have a wonderful husband and we own our home. Although I thought I would have more children, I have one beautiful daughter who is a dream come true! Also, because my husband is self-employed and works out of the home, as well as being a fabulous "Mr. Mom," I have learned that marriage is about flexibility, compromise, working as a team, and keeping love alive. I am fulfilled and happy with the choices that my husband and I have made and love married life. I truly feel blessed.

Marilyn, age 47, married: 23 years.

When I married at 20, I fully expected to change my soon-to-be husband and make him successful. I learned you can't change people, and that marriage ended in divorce. When I married at 24, I had shifted my perception. I loved the man I was going to marry, and intended to let him be who he was. It's been wonderful. He's my best friend and our life is comfortable and happy."

Annie, age 44, married: 17 years.

I believed marriage would be like a movie, and that the ultimate commitment would magically bring us closer, make life easier, and erase most relationship-type issues and problems. Seventeen years later, romance doesn't just happen anymore, it has to be planned -- time has to be made. We used to gaze into one another's eyes, now we have two kids that take our attention. We have little to hide from one another, and less that we don't know about the other. Still, we love, know and accept one another good and bad. We're best friends. When the world is upside down, I can depend on him to be there. He supports my dreams. Our love is a deeper one, akin to a close companionship than a fantasy romance, and I think time has changed the type of love we share.

Rhonda, age 31, married: 2 years.

I had known my husband for 6 years prior to getting married. Originally, we both were unsure of ever getting married and/or having a family, so I feel our expectations were high going into it - although probably normal for any first marriage. I believed marriage would take our relationship to the next level, everything would be in the open and we would both have a part in the decisions that framed our future. I feel fortunate that our marriage has been all that I hoped and expected. We have been able to openly communicate with each other which has allowed us to help each other's expectations in the marriage.

Tracy, age 36, Status: Divorced.

I did not go into my marriage with high expectations. I knew that my boyfriend would treat me the same, both emotionally and physically, after he became my husband. In that, I was right. I also found that marriage was better than I'd hoped. In the end, however, I learned that sometimes problems aren't always a two-way street. People are people and carry their own baggage. But would I marry again? Absolutely.

Carrie, age 33, married: 13 years.

I grew up seeing my mother and other family members divorce. When I married, my expectation was that it would be difficult. True to my belief, marriage has been a lot of hard work. I've always been independent, and being married I have had to learn to compromise. Despite it all, I've discovered how rewarding marriage can be. It's been worth all the work. I can honestly say I wouldn't trade it for anything. The pros outweigh any cons.
Of all the women I interviewed for this article, there is one resounding consensus: They all love married life. And although marriage does take compromise and team work, there's no place these women would rather be. It's a wonderful place. Remember your willingness as a couple to communicate is one of the greatest gifts you can give your relationship.

Sources:

 Good Housekeeping, March 2000 issue.

About the Author:

 Mary Lactaoen lives in Vancouver with her husband, Robb, and Chow, Tasha, and is the stepmother of two daughters. She has been writing for 9 years. Her work has appeared in Woman's World and she has completed two mystery novels.